I watched a show last night called “Losing it with Jillian.” Jillian Michaels from the Biggest Loser show. She has a spin off of her own. She went and lived with a family for 1 week and helped all of them not just the mother. I’ll call the women Kelly since I forgot her name. Kelly lost her husband a few years ago, which is big and hurtful enough, but Kelly lost something else. A sense of herself.
(This is something that I needed to see and hear.)
This is a great lesson that all of us can take from. We all get lost I know I have. Some of us, myself included don’t feel worthy of life, having a life, having love, or being happy.
What I thought was so interesting about the show was Jillian made Kelly fight for herself, and dig deep inside to show Kelly she can do it. Just those small steps that Kelly took, plus the yelling that Jillian did at her was enough to make the different in how Kelly approached her life.
Sometime reality is harsh. Sometime we all avoid things, me including, avoid not eating correctly and getting greasy food. When I make that choice, I am not sure what I am thinking really but I know in my heart it is not good. Then of course I don’t feel good afterwards. But still. Something is stopping me from staying on the path.
Part of it is the loneliness that I feel. The same chatter I had as a child I still hear sometimes. I allow it to invade my consciousness and it affects me. I wish I could get some of you readers to comment and then I will know that I am not alone. (Hint Hint.)
There must be something in my character that stops after some success. (I wonder why?) When I was younger when I achieved success even a small amount I was ridiculed. I didn’t like the attention so I stopped what I had achieved. I still do that. I just don’t know how to discontinue that pattern. (Got any ideas?)
One thing that I realized is that I need to write. I need to get my feeling out in writing, even if it is a small thing such as this “Losing it with Jillian show.”
(Isn’t that something to realize?)
I know the hard work never stops. When I became homeless for the second time I decided I was never going to get in that position again. So I go to work everyday whether I am sick or not. I’m sure we all stumble. Get back up and keep trying. When I have a hard day at work and I want to quit. Know what I do. I wait one more day. I see what happens the next day. After I’ve had a great sleep and a time away from the office, I wait. I‘m sure I just need to apply that shock of being homeless again to the shock of the fact that I could die with what I have done to my body. Eating incorrectly and not taking proper care of me. (If you could give me a swift kick, not too hard but swift enough, I would appreciate it.)
This is something that I need to continue to remind myself, to keep trying no matter what. That I am worth it, that I am capable of love and need love.
What do you think?
One day out of the blue, I was contacted by an old boyfriend that I had years ago. He found me on Facebook and emailed me. Upon getting his message I was unsure as to why he would contact me. The next time I was online he did an instant message chat. Still unsure I explained my confusion to him. He explained that when we were together he really cared about me but he was too young at the time and was really sorry for the way things turned out.
We have been talking ever since. But what really worries me is the fact that he lives on the west coast and I live in the middle of the country. We live far apart. I haven’t seen him in years, I am sure he doesn’t want to see me and yet he calls almost every day, except on the weekends. Which doesn’t make sense to me but what can I say. I am not in a relationship with him as of yet. We haven’t talked about it, but he does talk about having me come and visit. I would like that, sometimes while I wait for him to make a move and let me know how he feels, I am also here receiving men’s interest and I am not sure how to take this. On the one hand I want to remain faithful to someone who shows me they really care, but on the other hand he has not made any kind of move in a “lets get together” What do you think? Am I being silly and waiting for a person who lives miles away, instead of taking advantage of the possible comfort I could gain here.
Thanks to all who read and comment. If you wish to discuss something or have an opinion please don’t hesitate. Women need to stick together and support each other. Share, laugh, cry, live, learn, and bond with other women. Until next time.
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