Facing one’s fears. Update on weight:

I watched a show last night called “Losing it with Jillian.” Jillian Michaels from the Biggest Loser show. She has a spin off of her own. She went and lived with a family for 1 week and helped all of them not just the mother. I’ll call the women Kelly since I forgot her name. Kelly lost her husband a few years ago, which is big and hurtful enough, but Kelly lost something else. A sense of herself.

(This is something that I needed to see and hear.)

This is a great lesson that all of us can take from. We all get lost I know I have. Some of us, myself included don’t feel worthy of life, having a life, having love, or being happy.

What I thought was so interesting about the show was Jillian made Kelly fight for herself, and dig deep inside to show Kelly she can do it. Just those small steps that Kelly took, plus the yelling that Jillian did at her was enough to make the different in how Kelly approached her life.

Sometime reality is harsh. Sometime we all avoid things, me including, avoid not eating correctly and getting greasy food. When I make that choice, I am not sure what I am thinking really but I know in my heart it is not good. Then of course I don’t feel good afterwards. But still. Something is stopping me from staying on the path.

Part of it is the loneliness that I feel. The same chatter I had as a child I still hear sometimes. I allow it to invade my consciousness and it affects me. I wish I could get some of you readers to comment and then I will know that I am not alone. (Hint Hint.)

There must be something in my character that stops after some success. (I wonder why?) When I was younger when I achieved success even a small amount I was ridiculed. I didn’t like the attention so I stopped what I had achieved. I still do that. I just don’t know how to discontinue that pattern. (Got any ideas?)

One thing that I realized is that I need to write. I need to get my feeling out in writing, even if it is a small thing such as this “Losing it with Jillian show.”

(Isn’t that something to realize?)

I know the hard work never stops. When I became homeless for the second time I decided I was never going to get in that position again. So I go to work everyday whether I am sick or not. I’m sure we all stumble. Get back up and keep trying. When I have a hard day at work and I want to quit. Know what I do. I wait one more day. I see what happens the next day. After I’ve had a great sleep and a time away from the office, I wait. I‘m sure I just need to apply that shock of being homeless again to the shock of the fact that I could die with what I have done to my body. Eating incorrectly and not taking proper care of me. (If you could give me a swift kick, not too hard but swift enough, I would appreciate it.)

This is something that I need to continue to remind myself, to keep trying no matter what. That I am worth it, that I am capable of love and need love.

What do you think?
One day out of the blue, I was contacted by an old boyfriend that I had years ago. He found me on Facebook and emailed me. Upon getting his message I was unsure as to why he would contact me. The next time I was online he did an instant message chat. Still unsure I explained my confusion to him. He explained that when we were together he really cared about me but he was too young at the time and was really sorry for the way things turned out.

We have been talking ever since. But what really worries me is the fact that he lives on the west coast and I live in the middle of the country. We live far apart. I haven’t seen him in years, I am sure he doesn’t want to see me and yet he calls almost every day, except on the weekends. Which doesn’t make sense to me but what can I say. I am not in a relationship with him as of yet. We haven’t talked about it, but he does talk about having me come and visit. I would like that, sometimes while I wait for him to make a move and let me know how he feels, I am also here receiving men’s interest and I am not sure how to take this. On the one hand I want to remain faithful to someone who shows me they really care, but on the other hand he has not made any kind of move in a “lets get together” What do you think? Am I being silly and waiting for a person who lives miles away, instead of taking advantage of the possible comfort I could gain here.

Thanks to all who read and comment. If you wish to discuss something or have an opinion please don’t hesitate. Women need to stick together and support each other. Share, laugh, cry, live, learn, and bond with other women. Until next time.

Facing One’s Fears. Weight and Writing

On Good Friday, my boss said she had a present for me. I asked it if was good or bad. She said, “Good?” She walked over to a box on a desk in the office and very calmly brought out a vary large, prettily decorated sugar cookie that looked like a giant Easter Egg wrapped in plastic with a bow on top. She presented the cookie to me. “Happy Easter.” She said. The cookie was a work of art; it was so pretty I didn’t want to eat it. So I placed it in a certain area of my house and admired it for days.

I spied the cookie every once in a while and smiled to myself. Admired it and then walked away. I wondered if it tasted as good as it looked while I stroked the plastic around the cookie, and lightly flicked the bow on top. Then place it back on my shelf with assorted seasonings in my kitchen.

I kept telling myself it’s too pretty to eat. Last night when I got home from Zumba Exercise, I saw it. I didn’t do anything just admired it yet again. I ate Salmon with string beans, baked carrots with raisins, and water. The meal itself was very satisfying. But later I found myself thinking of that damn cookie. Wondering what it would taste like. Should I do it if I am trying to get rid of my stomach appendage?

As a person that eats her emotions, being aware of it, is the first and hardest part of the problem, I was stressing out about a partial relationship that is playing out. I don’t have someone in my life. I have been alone for years. I have friends and a lot of guys want me however, I find out things like they don’t have a job, no car, want to just move in with me and have me pay for everything, or just want sex.

I was contacted by an old boyfriend from years ago. He was a lot younger and our relationship didn’t go very well back then. I was glad to be away from him; however he told me he kept thinking of me. All the years a part he kept thinking of me, dreaming and remembering everything that I tried to teach him. He told me he was grateful and wanted to apologize for the way we broke up. I accepted his apology and we stayed in contact. We talked to each other at least once a day. I was enjoying our friendship, and was thinking certain things as you can imagine.

My friend has been talking about the past, and all the funny things that happened, reminiscing, bringing up scenarios, and do you remember this and that. We have been laughing a lot, but when I would bring up the present, he would have to go. Then I noticed he only called during work hours. He never called me at home after work or on the weekend especially on Sunday his one day off.

I noticed what he was posting on Facebook. Girlfriend and wife bashing, short stories, comments and Utube videos, all dealing with amateurish male stupidity over the female gender.

This does not look good to me. He talks good over the phone, says the right things, but we had a miscommunication a few weeks ago and he overreacted. I told him when we first started talking that I don’t like conflict and that I will walk away then come back later and talk. This way I don’t say anything that will hurt my loved one or say something I will be sorry for later. I needed time to think, to get a grip on my emotions.

During this time he tried to use guilt to get me to do things his way and then twisted the situation around to center on him. The original fight was where he mocked me during a phone call in the first place, which I didn’t like and then asked him about it. He stated it was a joke.

After a few days later and a few emails later I apologized first. I took the high road and said I was sorry. He did apology to me afterward but with the understanding that I was wrong. He still won’t face up to what he did.

(It is such a simple thing to say you’re sorry and really mean it. Just don’t bring up other stuff, like things from the past or bring up obvious sensitivities).
There are a few things that concern me. First I believe he is living in the past, a past that is gone. I feel he has no idea of who I am today and isn’t interested in knowing. Second, I feel he hasn’t grown enough, even though he is in his 40’s, to handle not being able to argue fairly.

The reason why I bring all of this up. It has to do with the cookie. I was stressing out what I am going to do about my friend. So I ate the cookie. There I confess. I ate the cookie but I didn’t feel any better afterwards. The cookie that looked so pretty didn’t taste as good as it looks, not as good as say, Chocolate Chip.

So my final analysis, I ate the cookie to feel better but it didn’t work. I hurt myself more in the end by continuing my emotion eating and the fat to my stomach appendage.

I just wanted to state this. At the time I didn’t believe anything could help but I tried. I guess the only way to help my emotions is to talk to my friend. (Yuck)

Thank you for reading and your comments, they are really appreciated. If you want to share, or have a solution, we need to hear from you. Remember you don’t have to be a member to comment. Share, laugh, cry, learn, grow and bond with other women. Until next time.